I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
