I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
