If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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