Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize