Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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