Pappa wants mamma naked
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
only you would photoshop your dick
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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