I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
