Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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