drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
