if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
lol hangovers are for mortals.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
