the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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