I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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