I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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