The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
