Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
