i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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