im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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