if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
