just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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