She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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