Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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