The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
