My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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