Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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