Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
