You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
