Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
