I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
