What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
