The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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