Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Who died my cat blue again?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
