Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
