she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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