He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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