I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
