I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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