Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
