my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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