Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
