Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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