My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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