if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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