just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
