Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
