oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I will pee on everything he values.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
