btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
