Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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