I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
