my mouth tastes like poor choices
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
