Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
