he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
