Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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