we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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