please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize