my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
