So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
