a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
