It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
