What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
