I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
