Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
